You're tired. I know the feeling.

Sleep has become the most valuable currency of middle age for women. And it's costing us.

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

One of the things I cherish in my life (more than most things, less than my daughter and a two finger Kit Kat), is a good nap. Once someone who would dance all night, stay up and talk into the small hours and beyond, and yes, pull some obscene “night before” writing marathons on the eve of an essay deadline, I now prioritise naps.

Not sleep. I want to be clear about that. Sleep is for those who have not yet been strapped into the rollercoaster of declining oestrogen and progesterone (we’ll leave the testosterone chat for when we know each other better on here…) And for those who have never lain awake at 3:00am in the morning thinking…”I should get up and distract myself, so I don’t obsess over getting back to sleep. Nope, I’m just going to lie here and obsess about it. Much better idea.”

Naps are where's it in midlife. Especially as a woman. 40 minutes in the middle of the day and I may feel human again. I even embrace the “danger nap” on a far too regular basis, just lying down and “closing my eyes” at 5:00pm, then waking up at 8:00pm, realising to my horror, that I’ve just set my course for yet another sleepless night.

So it surprises me (although of course it doesn’t) that sleep, naps and generally being KNACKERED, aren’t really mentioned on our collective hatewatch therapy show, And Just Like That.

BTW, I know Couples Therapy should actually be our collective therapy show, but as it actually triggers me and everyone else I know, we’re going to have steer clear ok? Again, maybe once we know each other better…

Being tired is fundamental to the midlife woman’s experience.

I mean, fight me in the comments if you disagree.

So where are all the “jokes” about sleep hygiene, Hannibal Lector style face masks and mouth tape, the little pills next to our bedside table that aren’t blue (and certainly don’t fuel all nighters?)

I’m going to assume the Chat GPT writing team missed this bit out in their list of essential prompts for seasons 1-3. They had “replace Samantha with another similar character whose name begins with S” (sorry Seema, I love you, but you are not served by this script!) They had “Carrie continues to wear outrageous couture” (that somehow no longer connotes her essential sense of self). And more.

But they forgot about being tired as the one thing that marks out women of our age.

And we’re not the only ones of course. Although we love to think we’re unique.

Scroll TikTok on any particular evening, as I do every evening (instead of you know, getting actual restorative rest), and you’ll see hundreds of 20 somethings share their evening beauty sleep routine and their morning “shedding” of that routine. Yes, the words “shed” and “shedding” are gross. I own a gecko and I have excema. I know of what I speak.

They We have invested thousands at this point (financially and in terms of hours spent) trying to crack the code on a good night’s sleep.

At this point I own:

• An LED face mask to help with inflammation and give me 10 minutes of “downtime” in the evenings to help me relax.

• An obscenely expensive overnight lip treatment that smells of honey and financial regret. (But please do share your recs for more in the comments for I am relentless in the pursuit of plump lips!)

• Many many MANY herbal, over the counter, prescription supplements and sleep aids. Some of which do the opposite (because I’m me and I’m known to be awkward?) and keep me AWAKE.

• A lifetime’s supply of Ashwaghandha and CBD drinks to help turn my brain off, without the aid of booze (that’s a post for another time, let me know if you want me to write this?) Highly recommend Good Rays - not an ad, I just vastly prefer the flavour combinations to TRIP, whose blood orange and rosemary blend nearly made me vomit before I entered my state of relaxation…

• Cooling pillowcases to help turn down the heat on my erupting volcano of a face at night.

• An assortment of fans of varying sizes and shapes - see above.

• An addiction to YouTube facial ASMR videos (where someone erm, gets a facial) to help me relax.

And more…

Our obsession with a good night’s sleep is costing us. It’s been commodified, of course it has, in the era of influencers, online shopping and 3:00am impulse buying and dopamine hits.

And I get it. I contribute to it. Because I once took sleep for granted. I could sleep on the eye of a needle for 15 minutes and still feel good enough to get through a full work day on a bottle of full fat Ribena and a packet of pickled onion Monster Munch (an ELITE combo.)

I once (more than once) lay down on the floor of a taxi cab for 20 minutes on the way back from San Francisco airport, after a red eye flight from a holiday in Maui, going home to have a shower, change my clothes and head into the office. (Those were the days…)

20 minutes of sleep (‘cos I never sleep on planes). Versus a full and full-on day at work.

I was 29. I knew nothing. But yet, I somehow had the keys to the universe.

At the age of 48, I’m now entering a more accepting phase with my sleep pattern.

Accepting that I don’t have one. May never again. And I’m going to have to learn to live with that.

And yet…

I don’t want “being tired” to become my default personality. (It’s taken enough work, effort and commitment to become the person that doesn’t drink anymore, and the person that is confident in their choices, even if they may not make sense to others.)

I don’t want “oh you know, tired as usual!” to be the way I answer every “how are you?” greeting?

(I’m far more interested in giving an ACTUAL answer to this question by the way, and asking for yours in return. I’m a Sagittarius - we are intense and that’s just how it is. I also suck at small talk.)

I need to make peace with the fact that sleep looks and feels different in mid life.

Especially for women.

I get up later than I used to. And it takes me a bit longer to get going in the mornings. And that’s ok. I’m leaning into it, and enjoying a slightly slower pace. (Anything to get that cortisol down am I right??)

I love a short nap sometimes. Always at weekends. Sometimes in the week. I work for myself, so I have the privilege of setting my own hours and working schedule. And I hope that if you’re reading this and you have a slightly more “classical” working environment and hours, that your employer supports you and your needs. If not, please advocate for yourself! (On that note, I have another Substack called Lead with Intention, where I explore all things career and leadership for working women and I share advice and support in my role as a leadership coach.)

And if you need me, I’m going to be here (when I’m not re-watching SATC or Mad Men AGAIN), writing and sharing about my experience (and maybe yours too?) of midlife.

My husband laughed when I told him the name of this Substack. That’s because it’s funny I told him.

And it’s true.

We are on the verge. Of something amazing, layered and fulfilling as we look into mid life and beyond.

It’s complicated. Aren’t we all.

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